our cab driver is having phone sex.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
