Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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