I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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