Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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