I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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