She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
