yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
