What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
