Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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