Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
