I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
