I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
