omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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