In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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