the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This house was built for laser tag.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
