He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
