I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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