there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
