if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
