You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
