this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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