Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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