who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're like the curious george of whores
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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