I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
