i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My life is pants optional.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
