I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
