im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm at about main and main street
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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