Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
