I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
