she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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