I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
