Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
