Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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