somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
