he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
