So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
