I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
