I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
