I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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