His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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