Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
