Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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