dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
