My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
