You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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