I puked a lego.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
