2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
