I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
