my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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