so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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